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from my website www.jloveaffair.com
Love and Relationships 101 Vol I Index 2

The Right One

When looking at the failure rate of lesbian relationships, I have come close to losing hope of ever finding the person that I could potentially spend the rest of my life with. I ask myself what went wrong in the relationships I have held in the past and came to the conclusion that they failed because I believed no matter how many faults my lover had, If I loved them enough everything would turn out okay. Turns out I was wrong, very wrong. My mistake was I believed I could change the person to be what I needed them to be for me. That is when I had to face facts and look at my own shortcomings to prevent another failed relationship and another painful breakup. I realized that I didn’t take enough time getting to know that person to really make a conscious decision. I let beauty and social status overshadow character flaws that I saw but ignored because I had convinced myself in a two week period that she was the one. Do we as lesbians really take time to make conscious decisions about the people we choose to be our potential life partners? If we did, would the success rate of our relationships be higher? What extremes will we go to in order to save face and prove ourselves right? How much of ourselves have we lost in the process only to be hurt and alone? I cannot speak for the lesbian community as a whole but I have the answers to these questions in my situation. What makes someone the right one and are we willing to hold out for that one who deserves our love or do we settle in the process?

It has taken me my whole lesbian life to figure out the answers to these questions for myself. As I get older and wiser I realize that I had a character flaw that was causing me to get in situations that were not what I really wanted. My flaw is that I fall in love easily. If things go well during the initial 30 days, I always figured that I had all the knowledge in that time to make an intelligent decision. Wrong. I have learned that people can show you many sides and only one of those sides is true to that person’s character. I spend a lot of time in conversations with different women in the community and they all seem to go through, or have gone through the same pain and disappointment as myself. They meet someone that they think could potentially be “the one” only to find out that person was not even close. From conversations and experience I have come up with what I consider the formula to success…Patience, willpower and self worth. These three items combined can increase anyone’s chances in finding the right one.

Patience- I have spent more down time than anything when it comes to relationships. In other words, I’ve been alone more than I’ve been with someone. One key to making a better choice is to know exactly what you want and not settle. Easier said than done but it can be done. If you make a list of the qualities you need someone to have to be right for you, it keeps it fresh in your mind. It also helps to weed out mistakes. It is like writing down your life goals. If you don’t have a plan you don’t stand a chance. You have to be honest with yourself about what you really want. In a perfect world no one will have all the qualities you look for so you have to come up with a percentage factor. If a woman has 93% of the qualities I look for in a potential mate than she stands a chance. I’m not getting any younger so I don’t have time to waste on anything but what I want. I live by the rule my mother taught my brothers. Never date someone you wouldn’t marry. We as women are already emotional by nature so if we get “caught up” we will more than likely end up where we didn’t want to be in the first place, hurt and alone. I’m not saying not to date but if you are in tune with what you are wanting out of a relationship, it does not take more than 3 dates with the same person to get an idea of what they are about if you are paying attention. During the patient stage you also have to be honest with yourself and that person. There are women that you want to sleep with and not necessarily be with. The catch 22 is how many women will accept that. (That’s the same problem men face today when dealing with females) We are animalistic by nature so sometimes we need those moments of passion to survive while laying in wait for what we really want. I’m also not condoning sleeping around. The idea situation is to have a mature sexual relationship with one person and still be free to enjoy the company of whomever you please while on your quest. Be fair and be clear. If that’s all you want than that’s all you want. The mistake we make is not being honest enough to say that’s what it is, and in the end someone always gets hurt. The flip side is abstinence and as horrible a thought as it may be, it’s the safest way to survive especially since HIV is killing black women at a rate faster than in any other group of people. Whatever your choice, remember; patience is a virtue. When you least expect it, someone will come along that meets all you criteria and you will find yourself closer to your goal of finding that right one.

Willpower- It speaks for itself. You have to have the willpower to fight off temptation in a difficult situation. For example: My weakness is sexy women more than beautiful women. If I know that already, than I am extra careful around women that may not necessarily be what I’m looking for but, they get to my weakness enough that I start to stray from what I really want. Sexy has been my downfall for years and it takes all the willpower I have to stay steadfast in my goal today. I have in the past settled for less than what I wanted and also totally went against my own quality list because of a sexy woman only to be devastated in the end. I only had my self to blame because I knew from the beginning that she did not fit my partner profile (as I like to call it) but she catered to my weakness. It is willpower that gets me through the toughest of times today. It will get you through also. If you are honest with yourself and know your weaknesses, than always be aware of the chance that they will be played on. I can almost guarantee you that they will at some point or another and the hurt is not worth the risk. Always keep your eye on the prize and it (she) will come when you least expect it.

Self Worth – You have to believe that you deserve to have what you want. Self worth is that voice inside you that reminds you of the wonderful person you are. If you don’t believe you deserve the best, the best will never come to you. Body language can say a lot about a person. If you carry yourself as if you own the world, than the world is yours. People can tell by the way you walk if you are confident or not. Eye contact is another sure fire give away of a person’s confidence level. Self validation is one of the most important pieces to the puzzle of being in a lasting relationship. If you don’t love you no one else will.

In closing, the never ending search for true love is a book within itself. I’m not saying that if you follow these guidelines that your relationships will turn out better, but the chances of you making better choices are greater. We all want to have that one relationship that lasts forever. The argument of the ages is that nothing lasts forever, but forever is built on one day at a time. Take that time to focus in on what you really want out of a relationship. If you already have what you believe to be the right one do not take her for granted. Nurture her, love her, and cherish her. If you are like me and still on that search, stay patient, focused and believe in yourself because you won’t have to go looking; “the right one” will be looking for you….jlove